The heat of late summer made the mall an attractive diversion so Lisa Crawford and her mother planned a fun day shopping for new school clothes with Lisa’s niece and nephew. But Lisa’s afternoon was continually interrupted by anxiety and feelings of unrest. Even before they entered the mall, the traffic in the parking lot seemed to rattle her. Lisa’s thoughts kept turning to her oldest son, 31-year-old Brent, and although there was no specific reason, she was worried about him.
Finally, Lisa decided to call Brent but discovered her cell phone had drowned in a pool of water at the bottom of her purse where her young nephew’s cup had overturned. It wasn’t until she was back home that evening that she received a call from her younger son, Shane, who in hysterics told Lisa that his brother had committed suicide earlier and he had just discovered his body.
Later Lisa learned that Brent had been hurting deeply that day because of a broken relationship. He had told his brother that he was going into his room to rest. After several hours of trying to keep quiet and give his brother the space he seemed to need, Shane went to check on him but discovered he wasn’t there. A search led him into a back room of the house where Shane discovered that Brent had hanged himself.
Recounting the events of that tragic day, Lisa is tearful yet in control. Four years have passed, but God’s faithfulness through His Word and the ministry of others have been a continual source of comfort for Lisa and her family.
Lisa admits that the first reaction to her son’s death was anger. First, she wondered why those who knew what he was going through and had spoken to him that day didn’t call to let her know. “Then I was angry with Brent for not contacting me himself. He was such a joy! He adored little kids and was so good and caring with them. I took it very personally and was ashamed. I felt robbed and he was the one who did it! As a parent, it hurts for one of your children to die in a dishonorable manner. But I realized that was a pride thing and I had to come to terms with it, but I also had to forgive Brent.”
Soon after Brent’s death, Lisa began attending the Grief Recovery Group which is sponsored by Sagemont’s Counseling Center. “I know a lot of people try to handle grief on their own, but this was so huge I didn’t feel I could do that. I wanted to get past all the hurt and guilt. When someone commits suicide, not only do the parents feel guilty but so do the siblings and friends. I hurt for my son, Shane, because Brent’s death hit him even harder. I wanted to be able to help him,” she said.
Beverly Heald, facilitator of the group, called Lisa and encouraged her to attend the meetings. A pivotal point in the healing process came within a few weeks when Lisa learned in the class that even before Brent was born, God, according to His Word, had already numbered the days of his life.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139:16 (NLT)
“I knew the Lord was telling me, ‘It wasn’t about you. It was between Brent and me,’” Lisa said. She realized that at any point on the day of his death God could have intervened to interrupt Brent’s plan, but He did not. “As a parent you go through all kinds of emotions when your child commits suicide because you never want to think of your child as so sad or depressed that they would take their own life.” She learned that the ripples of forgiveness extended to many others, including the young woman who had broken up with Brent, and even to Lisa herself.
Many others from Sagemont reached out to Lisa, including two ladies who had also lost their sons. “What I learned from people who go through a trauma like this is you don’t ever get over it, but the pain is less intense. You learn to live with it and to realize that God is sovereign and He knows best. We will never know the answers to all our questions in this lifetime,” she said, “and sometimes it’s hard to accept that.”
Lisa is thankful to God for the healing she found in the grief recovery group and is beginning her third year as a co-facilitator. Beverly, a licensed funeral director since 1976, started the group six years ago. God called her in her late twenties to help others with the grieving process. At that time, Beverly’s good friend was killed in an automobile accident and her husband asked her if she would help his wife look presentable to her two young children so they could say goodbye to her. “God spoke to me through that situation,” Beverly said, “and told me He wanted me to help people in their grief.”
Beverly admits the first two sessions of the Grief Recovery Group are often the most difficult. “No one wants to be here,” she said, “They’re facing an unwelcome gift: the loss of a loved one. Everyone is trying to keep their emotions in check. When people come, they often don’t know what to expect. In many cases they have been isolated in their grief. But we learn so much in grief, so we share and study the Scriptures and learn to rely on the Lord and understand what He is telling us.”
By the end of the eight-week class, members have received the tools they need to work through their grief and freely share their memories and often pictures as well. At each session they watch a 30-40 minute video that provides a topic for discussion. In addition participants use a workbook. “We also encourage journaling and studying the Scriptures and, for some people, we suggest additional reading material,” Beverly said. In November one of the classes concentrates on developing coping skills for the holidays.
“Many people shy away from those who are grieving,” Lisa said. “They don’t want to make you cry so they don’t want to discuss it. But I have learned that people really need to be able to talk to someone. Beverly and I are happy to be that someone for others.”
For Lisa much healing has come out of the ministry she now has to others. She remembers the comment of one lady who had also lost her son, “Who am I to think I deserve a life without trials and tribulations because look how Christ suffered on the cross!” About a year ago Lisa and her husband, Andy, were camping. “I remember waking up,” she said, “and thinking, ‘I feel like myself today.’ That heavy, sinking, heavy burden had lifted and I’ve been okay ever since.” Her son Shane, 29, lives next door and is once again working and doing well. Yeager, Brent’s dog, lives with Lisa and Andy.
The eight-week fall session of Grief Recovery begins on September 7 at 7:15 p.m. in Room 110. No sign-up is necessary and the group may be joined at any time.